Friday, July 23, 2010

10 Things I Hate About Flying

1. Airport staff being difficult when you refuse to check certain luggage into cargo, then flagging you at customs and having your bag unpacked while all your toiletries (including certain unmentionables) are being scrutinized to the great amusement of your fellow passengers.

2. Being positioned on top of the landing gear in the cabin while sitting next to a nervous passenger. Then being jolted by this passenger every time the landing gear gets retracted or released while also having to hear her whisper “Please God I don’t want to die” during turbulence.

3. Sitting next to a passenger with a flatulence problem who’s not ashamed of it and revels in his own odours while half of the cabin is fighting to stay conscious pulling for their oxygen masks while the rest are praying for the plane to please crash.

4. Sitting in an aisle seat and every few minutes being dragged half way out of your seat by the air hostess’s ass which is too large, has a gravity of its own and poses a clear and present safety risk to the flight in case of any emergency.

5. Having the airline lying to you by saying due to “new safety regulations” no one is permitted inside the cockpit of the plane except the pilots. Why are they not just honest and say”Due to Al Aaeda and other terrorist groups no one is allowed inside the cockpit because we don’t want to be hijacked then crash and die!

6. Having an ex-fighter pilot captaining your flight. Sure he survived many battles but that’s no reason why he shouldn’t view severe turbulence important enough to warrant signalling the seat belt sign, then as a result have the passenger in front of you spill their red wine all over the cabin ceiling and on your new white shirt.

7. Having airport security ask whether I packed my bag myself and watching their eyes widen when I say “No I didn’t”, and then seeing their eyes widen even further when I say "My husband packed my bag for me and he’s a Nigerian". Promptly followed by another embarrassing search.

8. The safety video on airplanes that honestly wants you to believe that during an emergency water landing in the ocean you’ll have any chance of survival. Screw the brace position I will be spending my last few seconds watching out of the window, screaming and with my life jacket fully inflated, thank you very much!

9. Having a chatty religious passenger sit next to you who start talking to you about something random and then, out of nowhere, asks whether you have found God and regardless of your answer a protracted sermon follows.

10. Certain airports that weighs both you and your luggage on arrival and then on departure sarcastically saying “Oh my, you are leaving here much heavier than when you arrived” – I’ll have you know I didn't gain weight I bought mementos you bitch!
Till next time.

British Gay Travelocity Commercial


Bobby Klein said...

11. The flirty, middle aged male flight attendant.

Pierre said...

Bobby, LOL! I forgot about that one!!!

Tipce said...

I hate flying! I always get checked/rechecked. Pulled out the line, missed my flight, searched again. then they tell me sorry we will give you $200 off the next flight after sitting next to an annoying person always wanting to tell stories b/c i look young.. lol.

Pierre said...

Tipce, there's nothing more annoying than a chatty passenger at least you got a $200 voucher out of you ordeal - I'm jealous!

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