(Cat)astrophe

Not being ready for fatherhood or facing the challenges of gay adoption, my husband I am quite satisfied just having our 3 cats. As all pet owners know having a pet can bring great joy to ones live but they can also sometimes be the source of many head aches. Having had 2 of my cats now for almost 10 years and the youngest for 4, what they have brought to my life has ranged from pure pleasure to pure frustration.

The birth of my eldest 2 cats was nothing less than a catastrophe for their mother’s owners. You see their mother was a pure bred Balinese cat who won many awards and had paperwork reflecting her blood line that could make royalty envious. The owners arranged 2 days of passionate copulation for her with another pure bred Balinese Tom Cat. After 2 days, being satisfied that the arranged visit was consummated and she was indeed pregnant, her arranged lover was returned home. However, her burning desire was not yet satisfied and she sneaked out of the house for a rebellious and passionate fling with an alley cat. So when my 2 bundles of joy emerged, the owner was shocked and angry. Now not being able to sell them, as they were half breeds, I got them for free.

From the get go, both cats were highly strung animals: One being highly intelligent but having a slight nervous disorder and the other being very pretty but not the sharpest tool in the shed and with mood swings. Their first night in their new home was an eventful one. I got scratched and peed on and a couple of days later one’s foot got caught in the blinds and my husband got scratched and bitten while I had to cut the cat’s foot free from the cords it got tangled in – both experiences was traumatic for all involved. As time passed they settled into their new home, and their true personalities started to surface. Mizou was the smart one who loves attention and managed stress by biting her nails. Nikita was the moody and neurotic one who tends to keep grudges and hates children. When you piss Nikita off she will patiently wait for the opportune moment and her vengeance usually is swift and precise.
When mating season came, my house turned into a nightmare. Mizou was super fertile and she had 4 litters of kittens. At least when she was in heat she would go out and do her business with the efficiency of a professional prostitute. When Nikita was in heat the real nightmare started. She became a loud, sleazy sexually inept slut! She would go around the house moaning for hours and hours and she never seem to be able to fall pregnant.

The last time Nikita was in heat I was woken up at 3am. Nikita was in a tree outside our bedroom window screaming waking up the whole neighborhood. She was in the tree and at the bottom was 5 very horny Tom Cats. She got more than she bargained for and fled a potential gang rape. It took me almost 2 hours to coax her down – I also had to apologize to all our neighbors! Shortly after this event she finally fell pregnant for the 1st and last time. When she had a litter circumstances emerged that had us keep one of her children and the 3rd member of our family became Sasha. At this point we swore we would not survive another mating season and all 3 our cats were sterilized.

Nikita being neurotic she passed on a few of her personality deficiencies on to her off spring. Her one child lived in a closet for a year, I was told, and the other one had an eating disorder (he became obese). Sasha definitely got her mother’s looks but she’s not very smart. She does the cutest things but she would not survive a day on the street and when it comes to fights she always tend to run away screaming. Having the 3 of them cohabiting with us have been a joy, but when there is drama it usually is epic. Everyone who has ever babysat for us, when we go on holiday, all have their own stories to tell about the craziness our 3 balls of fur can cause.

Sasha recently had an eye operation. The morning she had to go to the vet the pet carrier was prepared. The other 2 cats fully understand that when the Pet Voyager 100 gets taken out someone is going somewhere unpleasant. So when they caught a glimpse of the box of potential torture they promptly disappeared. Sasha was completely oblivious to this but when she finally put 1 and 1 together she too vanished. After a brief search she was located in the closet hiding behind clothes and was promptly placed inside the carrier. The drive to the vet was load as she made her displeasure abundantly clear. However, once at the vet she resigned herself to the inevitable and calmed down. The operation went well and she came home the same day, very annoyed with me but happy to be home.

The task of giving Sasha her medication was bestowed onto my husband. Getting a cat to swallow a pill is a skill I don’t have! Cats are sneaky creatures and just as you think they swallowed a pill they will go around the corner and spit it out. The only time I attempted to give her a pill she spit it out 3 times, once under the dining room table, then under the bed and finally in their litter box (I swear I could hear her laughing every time she spit out that damn pill thinking I wouldn't notice or find it!). Only with the 4th attempt did she finally swallow it.

Most pet owners will tell you that their pets become like your children, and in our case that is very true. Sometimes they are high maintenance, can cause havoc and even harm your house guests, as Nikita has done on several occasions, but at the end of the day I can’t imagine my life without them. So until we are rich enough to afford a full time nanny and can adopt our own little human bundle of joy, our 3 furry critters with their dramas, tantrums and blunders are more than enough entertainment.

Till next time.


Elvira Kurt at Just For Laughs