Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Myth of Super Gay Couples

My husband and I will celebrate our 11 year anniversary in 2 days time. Coincidentally, I came across an article titled “Secrets of Gay Super Couples” on a webpage that regularly publish some of my work. Having read the article and agreeing with most that was said I reflected on my own relationship and marriage, and it had me asking two questions: Are we a “Super Gay Couple”, and what exactly is a “Super Couple”, be it gay or straight?
I met my husband for the first time just over 11 years ago. It was at a night club. As usual a friend and I were at the club early so we can spot all the hot guys as they arrived. That evening my husband arrived at the club early as well and I spotted him from across the room – a hot young Italian looking man! I promptly had my friend go tell him that I thought he was hot (kind of immature but I was only 20 at the time). A while later, being the polite diplomat he is, he came and thanked me for the compliment and told me he was waiting for his boyfriend. Being single at the time I was gutted! As we had a polite and flirtatious discourse his boyfriend pitched up and saw me flirting with his boyfriend and gave me the evil eye as only a gay man can – a look that could melt the flesh from bone!
Not being easily intimidated nor being a home wrecker I introduced myself, had a pleasant chat with them and left. But being the type of person I am I vowed that I would wait until the moment my husband-to-be was single and then pounce at the opportunity. So I had my social network of spies, fellow gay gossip mongers and loyal friends activated: Every night every gay club and gay bar would be patrolled and I was to be notified of every sighting of my husband-to-be and informed of his relationship status at all times. Finally, after just over a month news arrived via the elaborate gay grape vine that he was single!

One Sunday evening I attend a drag show with my cousin, and lo-and-behold, my husband was there as well, but he was not alone. I remember telling my cousin that if the guy that accompanied him was his new boyfriend that I was going to be throwing in the towel! As I would have been convinced he had bad taste in men! As it turns out, it was just a friend and that ended up being our 1st date. The 2nd date was filled with passion, flirtation and butterflies in both our stomachs but ended up with us having to push-start my beaten up old car because it did want to start (not the best ending to a 2nd date as the car issue prevented us from getting to 2nd base).
Our relationship progressed slowly but was not with out its speed bumps. The 1st time I told my husband that I loved him there was a dramatic pause and he responded with the words “I like you too”. I remember driving away thinking to myself “Did I just make a fool of myself, did he really say what I think he did, and maybe I should have waited longer before I told him how I felt!”. The 1st person that utters those 3 significant words always stands the chance of getting the response I did, and I do not recommend it! It will leave you feeling confused, embarrassed, slightly angry and rejected. A few days later he returned the favor and those 3 comforting words dripped from his lips like honey onto my very pleasantly receptive heart.

The 1st couple of years of our relationship we spend 1 evening a week, every weekend and every holiday together. We waited 3 years before actually moving in together. We waited until I finished my post-graduate studies and until I started working. Now 11 years later and having been married for almost 3 years we have made significant progress and both our relationship, careers and social standing. It still amuses me when people we have known from many years back crosses our path and asked with amazement “Are you guys still together?” promptly followed by “How do you do it, what is your secret?”. The fact of the matter is we have no secret, there is no manual and no easy short cuts. Making a relationship and/or marriage last takes a lot of work, dedication, communication, commitment, respect and sacrifice from both parties. It’s also not always sunshine and pink roses, rainbows and butterflies and earth shattering sex. You have to be committed to make the relationship work even when times are tough, even if you have a sexual slumps and when you sometimes feel less in love with your partner due to whatever fight you had or problem you face.
Having read the article about the “Super Gay Couples” I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing. Having a gay relationship that last should not be idealized, as it makes it seem unattainable. I also don’t think that there is anything such as a “Super Couple” in heterosexual relationships they too share many of the same relationships issues. All relationships have 1 central thing in common - it takes 2 dedicated people to make it work. Love and respect, in my opinion, are central to any relationship and your partner should also be your best friend - if these 3 things are secure the rest of the pieces will naturally fall into place.

Maybe there are “Super Couples” out there with special powers that cross the globe doing super things. If they are out there, I hope they have cute matching super hero outfits and share their secret with the rest of us normal folk. Until that time the only wisdom I can impart is love is not for the faint of heart and successful relationships are not destined for the lazy and uncommitted.

Till next time!

Kathy Griffin She'll Cut A Bitch


Pierre said...

For all of you who want to go and read the article I mentioned in this post you can find it at:

Mamaba (Gay South Africa Lifestyle) http://www.mambaonline.com/article.asp?artid=3105

Please feel free to share your thoughts!

Anonymous said...

Pierre - this is an amazing post! And what you said is true for ANY relationship, gay and straight...

Love, respect and friendship are the most important aspects. These three are like the three sides of a perfect triangle. If one side is shorter than the rest, the triangle becomes skew... And without one side, there is no triangle!

Keep it up! I'm looking forward to the next post!

Issameagain ;) - LC

Pierre said...

Thanks Issameagain

I also firmly believe that! Also just wish that the gay community will start to realize that maintaining a long term relationship is not as difficult as it seems. It does take some work and commitment but it is in all our reach!

Everyone has a soul mate out there, and eventually you'll find that special someone and like the famous phrase coined on Project Runway says "make it work!"

Windy said...

1st up - Congrats on the anniversary!

2nd - Thank you for taking the time out of your day to post such a wonderful blog.

3rd - The world at large (not just the gay community) needs to realize that anything worth having is work. And that it takes commitment to create & maintain a healthy LTR.

4th - Thank you again for making me smile with the "make it work!" - Totally had a Santino flash back robot & all. LOL

Pierre said...

Thanks Windy!

Glad you enjoy my blog, and thank you for the feedback. Can't believe the last 11 years flew past so quickly and we are looking for many more together.

You're so right with "anything worth having is work"

Frank J said...

Hi Pierre. Congrats on 11 years. By any standard that's good going these days.

Good post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the sustainence of relationships... gay or straight.

Whilst me thinks we shall have to agree to disagree on some points (which are not worthy of this little comments space), your general point is bang on...

I chuckled on your discourse about the "I love you" and “I like you too” response. I've delivered a: "I think I'm aware of that" reponse... Not my finest hour, but hey, rther that than a lie when you're just not quite ready to say it. Someone has to put it it out there as hair rasing and risky as it is.

I have only one (minor) complaint though. ;0) As a bit of a super hero researcher, I must point out that the relationship between Batman and Robin, no matter how much the homoerotic fantasies might say otherwise, is that of Father / Son or Gaurdian / Ward... There are however a number of 'super-couples' out there... not well know, but they're out there none the less.

Pierre said...

Always nice to get a comment from you Frank J. The Batman & Robin thing was a bit tongue in cheek with reference to all those homoerotic fantasies as you mentioned, as if it weren't Father / Son or Guardian / Ward it most certainly would have fallen into the sugar daddy and toyboy category ;-)

Anji said...

I'm late with the congratulations, Congratulations anyway! You're right. You have to work hard at making a relationship work - having the right partner helps ;)

Tony said...

Excellent article, and I agree, good relationships take a lot of work, and even the best relationships have their ups and downs for whatever reason.

And finding that special someone isn't impossible. It's happened to me twice - I was with my first partner for 14 years, until he passed away in 2005, and now I'm happy with another wonderful man. It's been just on 5 years! :)

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