My initial post (The Queens and Kings of yesterday) regarding ageism in the gay community proofed to be a thorny one. Some comments and discussions that followed made me wonder
Is gay and grey so unacceptable that it makes gay men run flapping and screaming to their plastic surgeon? Or does the sight of an old single gay man rouse a deeper fear?
Research done on ageism in the USA showed that some older gay men feel undervalued and ignored by the gay community. Some also experience hurtful situations at the hands of youngsters (gay men under 30). To a large degree I agree with these findings. We do undervalue the elderly in our community and we do sometimes ignore them. In my opinion, older gay men fall into one of 2 categories – Fabulous Fairies or Ghastly Goblins. It's comparable to a vintage wine apposed to mouldy food forgotten in your fridge. Fabulous Fairies are the ones that have accepted their age, have fun with it and set a good example of a healthy and happy lifestyle; Ghastly Goblins are the ones that scare me! They are in denial about their age, try to pick up twinks and have a less than desirable fashion sense: the old out of shape guy in a tank top and leather pants whose vocabulary does not include the word “no”; the one that’s over weight, dodgy looking, flaunts his wealth and/or is sure to pop a roofie in your drink; and the one that surrounds himself with post pubescent boys – the typical sugar daddy. None of us really wants to end up like that, do we? Predatory…Lonely….Desperate…Vulgar….
Clubs, bars and other sexualized venues cater for the young, making these venues not always accessible to older gay men. There is no formula to determine when old is too old, but once uneasiness surrounds you at a venue, you may have reached that age. In many cases it is more about your own attitude, appearance and behaviour than your biological age. However this should not mean that once you are over 40 you’re are dead or should retire socially. The fairy will not turn into a goblin at the stroke of midnight. Gay men are not dairy products that will curdle a week after the expiry date.
Ageism exists in all social groups, gay and straight. In my opinion it is emphasized in the gay community because ageing scares us. It makes us ask questions we’d rather avoid, therefore we prefer not to think about it. Being confronted with aging secretly makes us ask
When I am old, single and sick who’s going to take care of me? Will I meet someone and have a relationship at that age? Am I going to die alone?
Not all gay people have children to fall back on. Not all gay people financially prepare for old age as they should. Not all gay people have a close nit social network. None of us want to die alone and only be discovered weeks later after your starving cat has feasted on your corps.
Being in my 30’s I must admit that I do make use of the “oils of delay” – the eye creams, night creams, day creams etc. I have even considered Botox, but for now, I still like the ability to express my emotions on my face. In a few years I too will be 40. Being in a long-term and stable relationship makes me less worried about growing old. I have a life partner that is ageing with me. Gravity will be cruel to both of us; we will have matching sagging bums and man boobs not to mention the liver spots, but as our looks fade we still will have each other – if we’re lucky! I will take pride in my appearance; take care of my body and skin keeping the twilight at bay for as long as I can.
There are many older gay men and women who live happy lives well into their twilight years. There are also many gay couples that have been together for more years than I am old, which gives me hope for my own marriage. They have a tremendous contribution to make to our community. They are the survivors of the HIV epidemic and the veterans of the gay rights movement. We are indebted to them for so much we have today. Ageism in the gay community, in my opinion, is the embodiment of the central fear that plague our community - our fear of growing old and the consequences thereof. Some older members of our community set bad examples that make us fear growing old even more, but there are countless others who we do not readily see that dispel the myth about what happens to fairies after they “retire”.
Till next time.
6 comments:
Hi Pierre, You are a kind and thoughtful person. And those are qualities that are timeless and ageless. They keep you always young at heart and loveable. Thank you.
With all best wishes,
Marty
Hello Pierre
Just wanted to let you know I think your blog has really become something I read with interest (even the more arb stuff).
Anyway - You've been tagged by me - so check out the tag and follow the instructions (just for fun).
Ciao4Now
Sorry - Tagged you again...
P.S> Hang onto the tag's and use them when you get bloggers block.
Ciao 4 Now
Hey Pierre
Interesting post - I find it quite sad I must say. I think it's also about our need for older role models and the lack thereof.
You should read a book called "The Velvet Rage". It makes for interesting reading and explains a lot of the psyche behind gay men needing to "decorate themselves" (part of which is staying young).... think you'd find it interesting.
Thanks for your comments, I am pleased that you find the blog an interesting read. It's still evolving, into what exactly I am not sure yet - only time will tell.
Rabler, I must get myself a copy of "The Velvet Rage", I am sure I will enjoy the book.
Interesting, thought-provoking post. Living in Hollywood, and working most days in male-beauty-central West Hollywood, it's a topic that easily comes to mind. I recently turned 44, and, although I'm lucky enough to still turn heads when I enter a room (it helps to be 6'6), I fear the arrival of the time when I'm no longer generally considered sexy. It's an issue I've talked a lot about on my blog. But like many things, the expectation will probably be not as painful as the reality. I hope, that is!
I think your comments, though, about older couples who've lasted are spot on. I have two friends in their fifties who've been with their partners over twenty years, and they still have a relationship to be envied. We could learn a lot from them, if we spent some time listening.
Glad I discovered your blog. Am adding it to my (currently miniscule) blog roll. Cheers, Keith
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