They say it takes a village to
raise a child. And whoever said that was
not kidding. Parenting is hard. You find yourself questioning yourself
constantly. Am I doing the right thing?
Am I handling this situation correctly?
Am I going to do psychological damage to my kid requiring me to pay a
shit load of money for therapy for him when he is sixteen? Mostly, I ask myself these questions when I
am at my wits end.
You know those times when the
world almost ended because your little bundle of joy lost his dummy and wants back
it now. When you try to dress your
little poop factory when, according to him, clothes are evil and from the devil
and all he wants to be is naked. When he
wants to play with a remote and you say no and he cries as if you just killed a
puppy. Being a parent has taught me a
lot of things. Most importantly, it
taught me that nothing can prepare you for parenthood and you just have to fake
it until you make it.
At this stage I think the first
word my son is going to say is the word “no”.
I try not to excessively use the word no but when he is about to do
something that will either hurt or kill him I don’t really have a choice. My son also has a six sense about where all
the dangerous objects are in this house.
All cupboards and draws with
childproof lock on them fascinate him.
It’s like he is hell bent on proofing that not all childproof locks are
actually “childproof”. He is also fascinated
with our cats’ food, the rocks on our indoor water feature, well actually
anything that is not nailed down and within reach of him. He has also now learned that he can throw things
which is a good developmental skill for him but not so good for everybody else.
My son will frequently stand in
his cot and throw everything out of it, including his pillow, blanket and
mattress protector. Then when there is
nothing left to throw he will try to climb out of it. And one of these days he will get it right
and it is a rather far way down to the ground for a 10 month old. I suspect he throws all his stuffed toys,
pillow and other items out of the cot in order to provide him with a soft
landing. I also suspect that he has been
designing his cot escape plan for a while now.
Being a parent has also taught me
to lie and to be sneaky. Whenever my son
spots something that he wants to play with that he really shouldn’t I will hide
it the moment he looks away. If he then
starts moaning because it is gone I tell him that it was never there. I am also known to sneak past him and my
husband when I need to do stuff because the moment my son sees me he would want
me to take him and then nothing gets done. You can only do some many things
with one hand.
Going to the bathroom has also
become a challenge. I now never stand
and pee anymore. I now have to sit
down. You see my son follows me around
the house like a little shadow and when I go to the bathroom he is there. When I stand and pee he will stand next to
the toilet and try and catch my urine with his hand. Nothing grosses kids out at this age and it
is quite disgusting. So sitting down
circumvents this and makes life more hygienic for everybody. Because playing with pee is not ok.
Cooking dinner and eating has
also changed radically since our son came.
When I cook dinner now my son clings to my leg. He does this all the time. When I pick him up and put him on the counter
the first thing he will gun for is the knives.
I have tried putting him in his feeding chair but he has tried to climb
out of it on several occasions. I did
try strapping him in the chair once. It
was a big mistake. He acted like he was
strapped to the electric chair and about to be executed. So now I try to cook dinner when he goes to
bed. We have also adjusted our eating
habits around his sleeping schedule. We
did this because we like our meals hot and not cold which is the case if you
get your timing wrong.
Then there is the thing I now
call the ankle buster otherwise known as a walking ring. Do you know how badly your ankles can get
bruised when you are hit with one of those things at full speed? It hurts like a motherfucker and if having
purple and blue ankles were a sign of domestic violence many people would have
raised eyebrows. My son has also learned
that he can block my way with his ankle buster.
If he doesn’t want me to leave a room he would go stand in the doorway
and refuse to move thinking it is a game.
However, when I move him out of the way he would cry because I clearly
don’t understand the rules of the game.
I mean really, I don’t even know the game never mind the rules.
There is nothing in our house
that has not been licked or sucked on and that includes our cats. Just the other day I caught my son sucking on
one of our cat’s ears. The poor cat had
this defeated look on his face and seemed to be thoroughly traumatized as if
this was not the first time this has happened.
Honestly, I could not blame him; I would be too if I was ear molested
against my will. I don’t know why babies
and toddlers do this and it is gross.
Imagine an adult going to a store and once you get to the checkout
counter you start licking and sucking on the counter while your goods are being
rung up; or if you meet someone and then take their phone and then put it in
your mouth. Well this is what our son does
all the time and with everything. He has
no preference and anything will get licked or sucked on, even your cat’s ears.
I think the hardest challenge
that lies ahead for us as gay parents is when our son realizes that we are not
a conventional family. The day he starts
asking questions as to which one of us was pregnant and why he has two
daddies. Why his skin color and hair is
different from ours and the day I will have to explain to him how a vagina
works. Not that I really know myself but
I suspect Google will be helpful at that time.
These questions will probably make us long for the days when our son was
sucking on and licking household objects, throwing things out of his cot,
trying to catch our pee and clinging to our legs. I do try and enjoy every moment of my son
being at this age, albeit that it is sometimes hard. My son gives the best hug, has a contagious laugh
and heart melting smile. This is what
makes it all worth it even if I one day will have to research vaginas.
Till next time.
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