This has been said by me innumerable times but for the sake of making sure nobody ever forgets it, I will say it again – my husband really deserves a medal for putting up with me. I am no picnic to live with and should I have been accompanied with an instruction manual it would have come in volumes and would have read like an IKEA manual but without the illustration and it would have been printed in Chinese. There are many ways one could sugarcoat this. For example, I could say that I am complicated, emotionally complex and eccentric bordering on the ridiculous. But that would just be blowing smoke up your asses. The truth is I am one difficult bitch to live with and sometimes I do things that annoy the living hell out of my long suffering husband. To help give you some perspective here are just a couple of my phobias, obsessions and eccentricities that drive him up the wall and why he deserves some well earned recognition.
One of the causes for my husband to be annoyed can be blamed on my OCD. Not having to switch the lights on and off a 100 times or checking if all the doors are locked for hours at a time kind of OCD. The type of OCD I suffer from is my germ phobia and the fact that I like routine and for things to be done in a certain way. In this sense I am not that unlike our bunnies. They too like routine and for things to be done a certain way and if you deviate from it they throw tantrums and are stubborn just like me.
This has caused me to hate spontaneity, to be weary of surprises and made me allergic to change of any kind. I like things to be planned and organized or else the world will come crumbling down and we will all die. Throw in a mild case of agoraphobia and you have the perfect storm that could kill a social life. All of which drives my husband nuts.
You see for anyone to drag my ass out of the house for any reason other than for work or to buy life sustaining necessities is a daunting task. I like our home and everything we need is there. There really is no reason to leave the house other than for a natural disaster or possibly the apocalypse; even then I would be difficult about it because that too would imply impending change. Besides, we only have one pet carrier and there is no bloody way five cats, two bunnies, a tortoise and a fish would all fit in there. We would need a fucking Ark. Also, do you even know how many life threatening germs are out there that could one day turn us all into Zombies?
So for us to go out is a rather big deal, but for some odd reason my husband does succeed in getting me out of the house sometimes. We do go shopping in actual malls that are not on the internet, go to movies, visit friends, watch shows and also travel. None of these things have killed me, yet. But what annoys my husband is the fact that all these adventures are planned, even the “spontaneous” ones.
My OCD is not the only thing that drives hubby nuts, there also is my cooking. I am a phenomenal cook, if I do say so myself, and I am also very talented at dirtying every single pot, pan and cooking utensil we have while I prepare a meal. I never use the same tasting spoon twice because that’s just unhygienic. I am also incapable of only cooking for just two people. I blame the fact that I possibly lived through the great depression in a previous life and am now overcompensating by always cooking for an army. So after I cooked a meal and dirtied as much as possible, I will also fill up all our Tupperware with leftovers most of which go to waste anyway. I know there are starving children in Africa. Don't judging me.
As if my OCD and cooking skills are not enough I am also a hypochondriac at the best of times. I am a relatively healthy person apart from being allergic to the world. Literally. I should live in a hypoallergenic bubble. However, when I do get an ailment I tend to self-diagnose with disastrous consequences and for this I blame WebMD and the internet in general.
I have been convinced that I was dying from exotic diseases more times than I think my husband would care to count. In contrast there were also times I thought I was fine but was in fact dying. Like a while back when I thought I was suffering from severe constipation on an island holiday and it turned out I had double pneumonia. There was also that time when I thought I was having a heart attack and it turned out to just be severe heartburn. I tend to get it wrong most of the time and all the while hubby had to stand by my side through real medical emergencies and the ones that were not so real. Even that one time I thought I was infected with the Ebola virus and nobody wanted to believe me. It would frustrate most people.
And then there are the animals, as you all know I love animals and as a result not only does my husband have to share our house with a person with OCD, impeccable cooking skills and a hypochondriac, he also shares it with our ever growing menagerie. You all should know by now about my obsessive search for a gay donkey and most recently I fell in love with another animal called an Alpacas. They are ridiculous animals with one fabulous set of hair. I mean really, who could resist an animal with buck teeth and a jerry curl? The Alpacas could just possibly trump the gay donkey, and I am so getting one, just don’t tell my husband.
Hubby has threatened that if I get one more animal that we need to buy a farm. So in response to his threat, now every time I go to the pet shop to buy supplies I send him pictures of kittens, bunnies and reptiles. You know, so that he is never sure what he will be coming home to that afternoon. I know it’s cruel but I am doing this with a plan in mind: If I desensitize him enough to the possibility of a new animal joining our zoo then when I do get the Alpacas or gay donkey he will not be that upset, although the neighbors might be. I am aware that my obsession with our ever expanding zoo is a problem, but animals make me happy and we can’t naturally have children and God knows we try. If Brad and Angelina can collect children then who are you to judge my animal collection? Besides we are adopting a child and I suspect this might just cure me of my zoo obsession. The universe works in mysterious ways.
As you can see, it is a miracle that I am not single. Finding a person who would be prepared to put up with all this shit is very difficult and I got lucky. Very lucky! The only real issue I think my husband has that he really wishes I would part with is my obsession with horror movies. I scare the living shit out of him by means of the horror genre at least once a week. I do this probably in an attempt to convince him that living with me is not as bad as being possessed by Lucifer, being tormented by entities, kept chained in a basement by a serial killer or being kidnapped by aliens. I mean compared to that sharing your house with a zoo and a somewhat eccentric blogger who believes that the Zombie Apocalypse will happen isn’t so bad, now is it?
Till next time.
(PS: The Zombie Apocalypse is real people. It will happen.
PPS: And when the Zombie Apocalypse does happen, stay the fuck away from my house! I will cut a zombie bitch. I really will.)