Hormone Therapy: Not For The Faint Hearted

So I started with hormone therapy last week.  For those of you who are reading my blog for the first time, NO I am NOT in the process of getting a sex change!  I am menopausal and it fucking sucks!  It has been a week since I got the hormone injection.  As for those of you who are still naturally producing enough testosterone and don’t need to get it through a hellishly long needle every three months - I kind of hate you right now!  But that’s probably just the hormones talking.  Undergoing hormone therapy has its upside and yes you guessed it, also its downside.  So please allow me to explain it to you in unadulterated graphic detail.

So after my little blood test result clusterfuck that determined that you can suffer from early onset male menopause at the tender age of 35, I reached a cross road in my life.  It was not like I did not produce any testosterone but the levels in my system were much lower than what it should be (I always knew I wasn’t normal).  I had a choice: undergo hormone therapy or just leave it and enjoy the plethora of symptoms associated with low testosterone levels.  Seeing as I was not much in favor of the continued little tropical holidays I was suffering, anxiety attacks, living in a virtual freezer and having a libido as unpredictable as a schizophrenic beggar, I chose the hormones.  So last week Monday I made an appointed with my doctor to start the hormone therapy.

In my naivety I thought my doctor would keep hormone injections in stock at his practice.  I was wrong.  I was unceremoniously told that he would have to order it.  Also, seeing as my health care plan does not consider hormone deficiency as a “life threatening condition”, I had to pay for the therapy out of my own pocket.  Clearly the bastards at my health care did not consider that my condition could be lethal to other people if left untreated, but then again if I did kill someone I would have gotten free health care in prison, so in the end it did kind of make sense.  But I digress…

Seeing as hormone injections are not cheap my doctor wanted to make sure what the price was.  So as I was standing at his reception with a room full of people in his waiting area he shouted to the receptionist “Please phone our supplier and find out how much Nebido costs for Pierre!”.  I should add that if you say Nebido really quickly, as he did, it sounds a lot like Libido.  At that moment I could see the faces of everyone in the waiting room go all sympathetic as if they were thinking “Shame, he is so young and he has no sex drive.  Poor thing, I hope that helps him get laid again.”  I blushed and looked at the floor.  I did want to shout that it was for my hot flashes and anxiety but I did not see the point in being embarrassed any further than what I already was.  So I let the assholes go home to tell their families about the gay guy at the doctor's office who had to get a Libido injection instead.

At the end of the day the pharmacy at the same shopping center had the Nebido in stock at a reasonable price so I handed in my script, got the injection, paid and went to the nurse.  Luckily the nurse was very sympathetic, didn’t ask any questions nor say anything apart from asking me if I was afraid of needles.  Apparently she would have to inject the substance slowly as it was suspended in thick oil.  It was the longest 90 seconds of my life and also ranked in my top 2 most agonizing injections I ever had.  The fact that she had to rub my ass to make sure it gets absorbed was both painful and I felt slightly molested in a non sexual way.  If it was sexual it would have been gross as she was almost 60.  After she was done she asked me if I wanted the insert of the Nebido and I said yes.  Big mistake!

You see, the hypochondriac in me knows never to read the inserts of any medication that I am prescribed.  The OCD in me always insists on knowing exactly what I put into my body and what the side effects are.  The OCD in me usually wins to the great annoyance of my husband as I always believe that I am about to die.  After reading through the insert and hyperventilating because there was no way of undoing the injection, I accepted the fact that I could suffer a few unpleasant symptoms and that I just had to man up and deal with that shit if and when they occur.  The effect of the hormones was slow but there were a couple of immediate effects.

After the injection I did feel slightly light headed but that soon disappeared.  I then started to feel as if my body was waking up and there was a mild rush that pulsated through my body.  I started to feel better, more alive and as if I had more energy.  But with all things in my life I also experience a bit of waxing and waning as the testosterone was being absorbed into my system.  I would have moments of feeling euphoric, horny and like I could conquer the world then followed by being moody, generally pissed off, annoyed and antisocial.  All of which the doctor said was perfectly normal.  He explained that as my body was adjusting to the testosterone that was now introduced into my system and as the deficiency was being corrected there would be some ups and downs.  It was nothing to worry about and he assured me that if I did not believe him that Google would substantiate what he was saying.  My doctor knows me too well.  Before getting the hormones many people warned me on various social media platforms about getting the treatment.  Some of their warnings were quite frightening.

Some warned that I would go bold which is a truly terrifying prospect as I look like a drug addict and a convict without hair.  Others warned that I would be growing more hair which was disturbing as I cannot see myself joining the gay bear biker club and I do not feel comfortable in the bear leather gear getup.  I mean honestly, can you imagine me in a leather bar?  Then there were those who warned me that the hormones would make me a sex crazed maniac and that hubby would have to lock me in a room with lube and tissues.  Possibly even restrain me as I would become a complete and uncontrollable nymphomaniac.  Well, sorry to disappoint you but none of these things have happened.  Yet.

It has only been a week since I've been on the hormone therapy and I can definitely affirm that I do feel slightly different and that the hormones are affecting me both physically and mentally, mostly for the better.  I guess it is still early days and a lot more will change and happen in the days to come.  For the most part I am pleased that I decided to undergo hormone therapy as menopause is a motherfucker to deal with.  So what if I grow a thicker beard, some more chest hair and when my libido sky rockets like that of a teenage boy I am sure hubby will be the last one to complain.  The only real downside of this whole process is that I now also have to get my prostate examined yearly.  Having my doctor shove his finger up my asshole twice a year without being first bought dinner or drinks is the only thing I am not looking forward to.  My doctor isn’t even hot.  Fuck.  Do you think I should bring my own KY?  Will I want a cigarette after?  Guess you and I will have to wait and see.

Till next time.