Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Don't Tell Me You're Gay

This week I decided to publish my favorite guest blogger GeeGee Curtained from the Two Fat Cows fame.  She is possibly the biggest Fag Hag this side of the equator and this week she shares with us a few little opinions about drag queens, guys keeping it on the DL (down low), and those queens that are so deep in the closet they would need a team of firefighters to Out them.

As you very well know, I’m a HUGE fan of drag queens because they’re like fuck you butterflies who don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about them and I LOVE my gay friends to pieces – they’re so much fun! I’m not usually one to judge, but seriously dollies, few things irritate me as much as a closet queen. I mean really, who are they kidding? And their wives... oh dolls, their wives... have they been lobotomised or are they so far down that river called denial (not the one in Egypt) that they don’t know their men prefer cock when it’s so painfully obvious to everyone else?

I was sitting in the lounge the other day when an agent brought some people round to view the house when it was still on the market. All I saw through the window was a fabulously flamboyant man limp-wristing, mincing, lisping, prancing and dancing through the garden and I thought “great, done deal, this house is a party palace, perfect for a gay couple... whoohooo” Happy bubble burst 5 minutes later when his wife (!) who looked like a little brown sparrow next to him walked in carrying a baby on her hip. I have a sneaky suspicion that my jaw did actually drop. Now, seriously, the Rabbit Hole downstairs is the best party place and man cave ever, and when the agent showed the man the pub he barely looked at it twice and I swear I could see a speech bubble above his head saying “bitch please, i don’t drink at home, I go cruising for cock
I had a friend for many years, Himself always said her toes looked like slap chips, but I digress. Anyway, she was dating a man in his 30’s for four years and all he ever did was kiss her. Once. This man took her to see all the best musical theater productions *jazz hands*, took it upon himself to be her stylist, shopped with her at all the best boutiques... wonderful, yes. For a gay best friend. She could never understand why she was told that rule # 1 was Never. Visit. Unannounced. Oh puuuh-lease, that’s because he's having ‘special time’ with his ‘special friends’. Angels, she honestly thought he never tried to put moves on her because he respected her! Poor thing was devastated when he came out to her and to this day she is trying to pray the gay out of him.... Bless!

I have another friend I’ve known for almost 20 years who shall remain nameless – one of my drag queen friends has dubbed him the ‘Jimmy Swaggart Faggot’ because he’s ‘born again’. (By the way, the same drag queen told me he always knows when a potential lover is 'straight' or married if the guy asks him to keep his bra and high heels on in bed...) Anyhoo, for the first 5 years we were friends I accepted him as gay. I did his make-up, we played dress up, great fun. Imagine my surprise when he introduced his girlfriend to us one day, I almost choked on my vodka. So, they get married and they have 2 kids. He swears to me that he’s straight. I pretend to believe him. 3 months ago he’s visiting with us when Hawtentawt comes rushing into the pub with eyes as big as saucers. Mr ‘Straight’ went to stand behind Hawtentawt outside and started fondling his ears, then asked him if they could meet up at Q-Bar – a gay bar here in town! Personally I think Hawts could have taken one for the team so that I could out that fucker once and for all. It just pisses me off that he has huge opinions on homosexuality and religion / adoption / marriage – to the point where we have stand up arguments and then he’s so deeply fucking closeted he hasn’t seen anything but dust bunnies for years!

I guess the moral of the story is be yourself, be true to yourself, respect yourself and the world will do the same back – and if they don’t, well fuck them.

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Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

I just choked on my diet coke and sprayed it all over my keyboard. Hilarious! Sticky, but hilarious!

Gee Gee Curtained said...

Thanks Kelly... Sorry about the sticky keyboard! erm... ;) xx

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