Is this really how the rest of the world sees lesbians?!

A guest post by the talented and "non-voilent" lesbian Lilly Lampshaded

So this weekend, while at my day job, with a hang-over from hell, I tried to pass the time by surfing the net and trying to find something worthy of a good read. I often click on links to articles written by Pierre on his blog, Warfare: The Delightful and Dreary Sides of Gay Life but this time, I decided to check out what else he has on offer as I found his previous articles on Farmville, Blackberries and the joys of giving up cigarettes extremely entertaining. I never would have imagined what I would stumble upon; reading some of his blog posts, and let’s just say, it was an eye opener of note!

Let’s face it, even though we might proudly proclaim that we really don’t care what other people think of us, we always love finding out. And this is no exception. At first I had a good old laugh at what this delightful fairy had to say about us, but the more I thought about it, the more real his words became and the more it hit home for me, not just looking at myself (let’s face it, I can’t fit into every stereotype out there) but at my circle of divine dykes as well.

So the first “on the floor” moment I had, was when he wrote that should lesbians ever recruit straight women (in response to the myth that homosexuals have a plan to turn all straight people), they would, amongst other things, have to know what a spark plug is and what it’s used for, how to change a tyre, name at least 5 power tools and their uses, and know how to break a bathroom mirror with their fists, without cutting their hands. This isn’t the first time I heard this.

A little while back my good friend, GeeGee, also wondered if I could fix cars or do plumbing, and whenever I’m in the queue for the loo in a gay club, there will always be a queen behind me, pointing at the mirrors, rolling her eyes and saying: “fokken kommin lesbene!” Now even though I’ve never attempted this myself, I have seen my friend Charlie, an ex-bouncer at a popular Joburg night club, smash another woman’s head into one of the mirrors in the hallway of the club without a drop of blood being spilled.

I also realised that not only can I name 5 power tools and their uses, I can operate them all AND I know quite a lot about the practical application of a sparkplug PLUS I can change a tyre in about 3 minutes without any help or getting my clothes dirty. I don’t know much about plumbing though, but I bet you I have at least 5 female bbm contacts or Facebook friends that do!

He then proceeded to comment on our fashion sense. Everything from our comfy shoes, to jeans, and then of course the favourite plaid flannel shirt that would make any farmer proud! This is also true if you think about it. Unless you’re uberfem, jeans and a comfy yet stylish pair of sneakers, is how we roll. I’m not too sure about the flannel shirts though, even though I did wear one in my last show and strangely enough it grew on me like Spiderman’s black alien Venom suit, but I doubt I’ll wear it off-stage.

He also answered a question as to why butch lesbians don’t wear heels and dresses and this one had me literally falling off my chair! According to Pierre, we don’t do 9 inch stilettos and sequins dresses because we wouldn’t be able to win a barfight in an outfit like that and we’d pretty much look like drag queens. Now I can’t speak for the entire gay community, but even though I do not consider myself as butch, I wouldn’t be seen dead in a frock and heels.

In my younger “closet” days I did attempt it once or twice on the odd formal occasion, and yet again I have to admit that he is on to something. I’m not sure if I looked like a drag queen but I sure as hell felt like one! And as for high heels, I fell over more times than I was on my feet and had more blisters than toes!

Now the next thing he pointed out, is something I hear over and over and over again…  Lesbians are drama queens! Shock, horror and dismay…until I actually sat down and thought about it! We are soooo Drama Queens! We thrive on drama, live for it, and surround ourselves with it constantly and most importantly CONSCIOUSLY. That would explain the speed at which our relationships start, evolve and inevitably end. And who am I to argue?

GeeGee often asks me why I put up with as much shit from other people as I do, and my dear friend Mrs Bratjie must be sick of me having some “major crisis” on a daily basis that I HAVE to tell her about, that in hindsight, seems pretty silly! Then I look at the people around me, and there’s always so much drama! And that’s largely why I prefer spending time with my straight friends.

A very specific person in my life is forever surrounding herself with drama by interfering in other people’s lives, and a certain unsavoury lesbian that I recently unfriended, used to bitch and whine about anything you could think of! So, guilty as charged your honour, on the grounds that I all too often get suckered in to people’s sob stories, freaky fantasies and soap-opera existence.

Another very familiar theme in lesbian perception and stereotyping, is that of violence. And it’s clearly seen in the points stated above. For some reason, the fags and hetties think our favourite activity seems to be barfights! Again, another stigma I can’t escape, seeing as I was in a barfight, ON MY WEDDING DAY nogal! Surely defending myself against a bulldyke three times my size and high as a kite, (and successfully handing her ass to her, I might add) can’t force me to wear the Mike Tyson label, right? Right, then I gave it some thought. Even though I do feel that I am linguistically gifted and can insult jeanpant off just about anyone, if I feel the people I care about are being harassed in any way, my first words are always: “I’ll MOER them!” Uh oh…

So there you have it! We’re car-fixing, tyre-changing, sneaker-wearing, barfight-winning, powertool -wielding, couture-clueless drama queens! Touché Mr Le Roux, thank you for the eye-opener! I doubt it will change any time in the next century though so I might as well slip out of the comfort of denial and embrace my ways…maybe without the drama…and barfights…and flannel shirts…

Lilly Lampshaded