Thank God I am Gay!

I love women but oh dear god they can be full of shit! This past week hubby and I had to navigate our faggoty asses through the treacherous labyrinth of melodrama, mood swings and passive aggressive tantrums that sometimes is the female psyche. Both of us lost our Fag Hags as a consequence and having minced and flapped our way through it, I have a new found respect for straight guys and lesbians because I don’t know how the hell they cope. The experience have left me drained, annoyed and had me realize how fucking blessed I am to be gay!

Firstly, before I get inundated with hate mails again I must state that I am by no means generalizing and this blog post do not purport that all women are bitches. But some are and as a humble socially responsible queer I thought it appropriate to write this blog post to serve as a warning to other queers who are considering taking on a new Fag Hag. Here are a few things that I have learned over the years.

Women are complicated and their brains are wired differently. This is clearly demonstrated in the manner in which they choose to communicate especially during times of conflict. Men will get angry have an argument, have it resolved and move on. With women it’s never that straight forward. No argument gets resolved in a single day unless they win the fight. They will brood over an issue, it will fester and days and even months could pass before they consider it resolved. They also have memories like elephants and believe you me they do keep score. So how should the average queer deal with this?

Well, it is easy – obsessively make mental notes of everything! Know your Fag Hag’s menstrual cycle. This is especially important if she’s naturally emotional and if you plan on surviving that one week of irrational hell a month. If you don’t you will unwittingly and inevitably say or do the wrong thing and the Godzilla PMS Bitch Monster will kick you in the balls twice. You should also know your place. In some Fag Hag relationships you will be the surrogate boyfriend and/or husband. You will be expected to provide all the emotional support and listen to all the bitching their lovers are not interested in. This can be taxing, sometimes traumatic, frequently entertaining but mostly boring. Best you do a brief counselling course and quickly learn about selective listening – it is expected of you to master both skills. But wait there’s more...

Not all Fag Hag relationships are healthy. There are the few out there that will use you as an emotional crutch and will become co-dependent. It is important to identify the warning signs early on. If you notice that your friendship is becoming one sided, the fights they pick with you should actually be with their real boyfriends and/or husbands and your own relationship is suffering as a result you are in trouble! It is suppose to be a friendship and not to feel like a bad marriage! The only thing you can do when your Fag Hag becomes an emotional toxic wasteland and the bitch turns on you is to take your fag bag, lip gloss, designer sunglasses and get the fuck out of there. It will be imperative to disengage completely, discreetly mince your gay ass out their lives, screen your calls and in some extreme instances you might also have to move because the bitch will stalk you!

When looking for the perfect Fag Hag that will suit your unique lifestyle it is important to create for yourself a set of criteria. As no two queers are exactly alike and our preferences vary so will your criteria. However, there are some basic requirements that should be met. A prospective Fag Hag must never be prettier than you. Remember as much as you might be her fashion accessory or "Token Gay" this is not what you are looking for in this particular case. You want a female that you can mould and introduce into the world of fashion, splendour and general gay fabulousness. She must be fierce, loyal, mentally stable, know what boundaries are, have her own money and car and proudly and confidently able to fan our flames of faggotry. Lastly, and most importantly, she must understand that you are gay as in “I will never turn straight and marry you gay”.

Having broken up with our Fag Hags this past two weeks, I must say I am relieved that our emotional melodrama and temper tantrums are now officially gone and placed back in the heterosexual domain where it rightfully belongs. We are free from the toxicity and more than ever glad that we are not straight! All the straight guys out there, chin up and just remember that you were born that way. The next time I see heterosexual couples fight in the mall or restaurant I will fondly remember my Fag Hag wondering if she ever did meet a heterosexual man that actually could stand her. I hope she does. There, I got my gay bitch on, now I shall move on.

Till next time.

1-900-FAG-HAGS