Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Bombshell!

It’s official and I won’t keep anyone in suspense any longer. Hubby and I have decided to have a baby. There, now it’s been said out load and this is for real. We have been mulling on this for quite some time now, but only recently vocalized our desire to be parents. It’s a huge decision to make, a gigantic step to take and an enormous responsibility which will last a life time. Being gay, wanting a baby and having one, unfortunately is not simple. But we have set sail and this is how our journey starts.
Never have I once thought I’d even utter the words “I want a baby”. I’m not the maternal type and I always said I didn’t want children. But life is queer and has a peculiar sense of irony. You see all of this have changed and the urge to have a child now burns deep inside me. I think my husband describes it best: The urge to have children is like a deep primordial drive that unceremoniously gets triggered by an almost extrasensory calling from the abyss – the calling of a child, a child that is destined to be yours.

At first I ignored this strange longing feeling. I mean I am happy with my life just the way it is. My life is my own and I am only responsible for one. Then my dreams got flooded with paternalistic symbolism and the crevices of my subconscious mind determined to ignite my latent caregiver instinct into a flame that burns brighter each day. Coincidently, the same was happening to my husband only he was quicker to see. Denial is a tool I wield with great comfort, but even denial is not strong enough to fight this.

So last week, hubby and I had a heart-to-heart chat, late at night. You know that time of night where you are too tired not to be honest with yourself and my denial lost its grip and I could see clearly. We both wanted a child. Being the practical one, analytical one and devil’s advocate in our marriage, I took us through the gauntlet of pros and cons of trying to have and eventually having a child. The changes and challenges we will face are vast. But having considered all the implications and practicalities, we both concurred this is what we wanted.
Being gay, I think, the reasons I wanted to convince myself that children would not be destined for me is the fact that society still have a long way to go towards acceptance and tolerance. There will always be pockets of society that will not condone gays having children. Many stigmas still exisits when a child have same sex parents, the stigma that we cannot raise healthy children, the stigma that we aren’t good parents and the stigma that children raised in a gay families sexual identities will be influenced negatively.

Moreover, I feared that if we ever wanted a child our friends and families would not approve and we would lose their support. Boy was I wrong. Hubby and I decided that before we even start looking into our options, we would ask for his parents’ blessing. My father-in-law didn’t approve of our marriage and it took him years to come to terms with and accept it. Now, we were about to tell him he may become a grandfather. Admittedly we were nervous as hell! So during Sunday lunch we dropped a bombshell and expected a prolonged uncomfortable silence. But what followed was amazingly touching. Instead of berating our decision, we received their sincere blessing. My sister, brother-in-law and close friends followed all of whom showed us overwhelming support.

With the blessings and support of those we care for and care for us, we have begun our journey. We will start looking into our options – adoption or surrogacy! Neither hubby nor I are very keen on the adoption route. I know it may sound selfish but we both strongly feel we want a child that’s ours. Surrogacy is no simpler than adoption and most certainly not cheaper either. But I am sure there is a woman out there somewhere, a woman who will perform the most unselfish act of all, a woman who will give us the greatest gift life has to offer – a child of our own. Not many people out there will look past the fact that we are a gay married couple, and I am sure some of our efforts to find a suitable surrogate will be negatively influenced by this. But hey, a baby is a miracle and I do believe in miracles.
There is quite a journey ahead of us, and as I realized this week there are still a lot of mountains to climb and prejudice to concur, but we will do this. We will persevere and we will find our child who has been calling for us. It may not happen next week or next month or even next year, but it will and I am looking forward for my life no longer to be my own.

Till next time.

The View: Gay Adoption


Phunk Factor said...

Oh My God...just the other day I was thinking about how awesome it would be to have a i was thinking more on the terms of being a single father....i thought about asking you thru an had no idea if you ran some sort of an Uncle Agony!!!

Do my blessing counts? Ummm...dunno!! Bt u guys do have my best wishes!!!! This is like the most amazing thing I've read today and it has totally made my day....i really hope that u guys do get ur own baby...and raise him up to an awesome person!!!!

Jewel said...

Unfortunately I can't help you on the surrogacy front as am too old, but would like to wish you the best of luck whichever option you decide on. As you rightly say, society is still getting used to the idea of gay couples having children. Whether you are gay or straight though, having a child is no bed of roses and is hard work. Your post has made me wonder whether other gay couples I know of might eventually have children, especially as at least one of them has entered into a civil partnership. Hope it goes well for you and keep us posted on what happens.

Pierre said...

@Phunk Factor, you are always welcome to e-mail me. I also take Agony Aunt e-mails as well ;-)

@Jewel, thanks I am aware that raising children ain't no picnic. I hope that gays having children will become less taboo in future and that more gay couples will consider this as a natural next progression to their relationships. Baby steps, in other words!

Cnith said...

Well dear... I can only say, yes, you want a baby...a child... until you have one... then you want to give it back but it's too late!! LOL. Well, I'm only slightly being facetious. Being a parent is a pain in the ass like no other. It's great and it sucks major balls. I'm not kidding. There are days you want to eat your child and days you can't imagine your life without them.

At least with two parents it's easier, on some ways. Harder on others because you then get to that 'what are we now, as a couple?' when there is no time to be a couple anymore. When the fights about issues are handled... Anyway I went the single mom route and it was hard as hell. I'm almost done now, legally speaking and believe me, I cannot WAIT for that rainbow.

Not like I want to get rid of my kid, but the pressures of parenthood are sometimes too hard to bear. I am happy to never have to say, sorry I can't go because of the baby/the toddler/the child. Sorry, I can't X Y Z because of the same reason.

I can now say I can go for X time. Still can't do overnight trips or get aways but that's OK, I'll take what I can. In 2 years I can do anything I want...and I'm looking forward to it! :)

Meanwhile, don't be discouraged by my words. I'm sure you two will make WONDERFUL parents but when you're about to tear ALL your hair out, remember what I said. Sometimes you want to eat your child and sometimes you can't imagine life without him/her. That's what you focus on...THOSE times. When you can't imagine what word to use because love just isn't the right one, it just isn't enough. ;)

Jeremy Janson said...

You should probably hire a manny. It's good for a child to have a feminine influence, and I'm guessing you both work so you should have the income to do it. Plus the manny can help take care of the house and what not too. I think the traditional deep south solution to needing someone to stay at home with the child should be adopted more widely by our society, since it makes a lot more sense (for gay and straight alike) then asking one of two productive parents to stay home. Why the Southerners did it too - the man needed to handle business and the wife needed to be in society. It also makes more sense then deciding neither will stay home and working each other to death trying to keep a family house while both of you are working full hours. You'll have a better life, and so will the child.

As for the making fun of, aye don't worry about it, you live in South Africa don't you? Take the child out in to the desert from time to time, maybe have him work on a cattle ranch over the summer or weekend or something. Nothing to boost a mans self-esteem then a good trip to the desert.

@Oprah: Oh Prop 8 those clowns, those clowns, those clowns. The worse part is that Montana's apparently trying to outlaw Homosexuality. They used to be such a fun place, a land of whorehouses with elegant Madames, gunfights at train stations, now illegal narcotics, automatic weapons, domesticated grizzly bears and highways without speed limits. Good grief guys, what happened? What made Montana lose its fun streak?

Pierre said...

@Cnith, you're scaring me!!!!

@Jeremy Janson, I think that's a very good idea, we're going to need all the help we can get, or we may just end up wanting to eat our kid like Cnith say, and you're right about the female influence too!

Hadyn Thomas said...

Pierre, I think this is great. I have a gay friend who wanted a child so bad for years and he finally has a gorgeous little boy. He went down the adoption route, which is not what you really want, but it worked for him. The boy could not be happier or more loved.

I was like you and thought I would never want children and resolved that I never would because of my sexuality. It does, however, come up every so often. My brother and his fiancee are going to have their first child next February and it did get me thinking how I would love to raise a child of my own.

Jeremy Janson's point is a valid one but my brother and I grew up with no male influence and I do not think it did us any harm. It would be great if our societies followed the US Deep South example and allowed one parent to stay home and raise the child. In England that is very rare these days with both parents expected to work and leave their children with hired help.

I wish you and your husband well with this and look forward to reading the post that tells us all about the baby.


Anonymous said...

The child will not need a nanny when she/he will have an italian aunty!!! i can be the feminine inflence well.... actually...i need a feminine influence myself sometimes! LOL Roberta

Pierre said...

@Hadyn Thomas, thanks Hadyn.

@Roberta, LOL!

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