Rather Be Black than Gay

One of my friends recently said “I’d rather be black than gay, at least then I don’t have to tell my mother!” We were talking about coming out of the closet and how difficult it can be. Since I started my blog, I have received numerous e-mails from gay people around the world going through this metamorphosis from effectively living a lie to being their authentic selves. Most usually find themselves in the midst of a crisis. They are scared. They fear being rejected, being hurt and most of all hurting those they love. So why put yourself through this?

Most gay people knew that they were different from a young age. I, for one, knew from my kindergarten days as playing "Cowboys and Crooks" was not as appealing to me then, and I preferred the company of what would later become my "Fag Hags". These days I do not mind smoldering cowboys and the meaning of that game has changed quite significantly. As one grows older the sense that you are different grows stronger and when puberty finally kicks in you start to realize exactly what it is that makes you different.

A couple friends I have spoken to have expressed the sense of isolation they experienced, the fear of having their secret exposed and the difficulty inhibiting their natural sexual urges. Let’s face it being a gay teenager with hormones raging and sex on the brain makes for a fairly precarious predicament! Many challenge their sexual preference but at the end of the day most ended up in some kind of situation with another confused kid of the same gender experimenting with sex. This was done with great caution as being exposed as gay in school could have dire consequences.

Many gay teenagers feel lonely, misunderstood and like they are the only ones in the world. I sure did, and when I did come out in high school my burning flame of fagotary’s light was not well received and High School was not one of my favorite times in my life, but I wear my battle scars with pride. Luckily, today young gay teens no longer have to feel isolated as there are many organizations at their disposal which can assist them and give advice and guidance. Their flames can shine bright instead of being prematurely extinguished!

There are gay people walking around with a sense of guilt about their homosexuality. One such person wrote to me saying that he decided to pursue heterosexual relationships because it would not be fair to his family if he came out: His family would be shamed and he would be ostracized because the community in which he lives were very conservative. Every time he had sex with his girlfriend he would fantasize about guys and he was terrified that she would become aware of this. God forbid he shouted out the name “Jeff” at the peak of passion!

He did eventually come out of the closet. As one would expect his family did not take the news well and neither did his girlfriend. The town folk did not try to chase him out of town with an angry mob carrying garden forks and burning torches, but some did make homophobic remarks and he lost a number of friends. Even though his family did find it difficult to come to terms with having a gay son and hurtful things was said and done, at least he no longer have to live a lie, no longer have to fantasize about men and deceive his girlfriend. He now can be himself. He started a new life, a new beginning, made new friends and become part of a new elaborate rainbow family. It was not easy and his family still has issues, but time heals all wounds and they too will come to realized that he still is the same person he was before he came out and they will love him just the same.

Unfortunately, coming out of the closet could be lethal for some of our gay brothers and sisters. Homosexuality is still illegal in 79 countries in the world and in 8 countries the punishment is death by hanging or even stoning. Countries like Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia and Nigeria are still known to execute homosexuals. In Africa, Uganda now also wants to pass new legislation that too would provide for the execution of homosexuals. Being gay in anyone of these countries is dangerous. I cannot even begin to imagine the utter fear one must live with should your secret be exposed and to what extent they must go to hide who they truly are. The problems and consequences we face when coming out seems insignificant compared to theirs. That’s why we must fight for not only our own rights but also for theirs. This cannot be done from inside the closet!

There are many reasons gay people have for struggling to break free from the confines of the proverbial closest. Some e-mails I received dealt specifically with religion and the great difficulty they experience reconciling their sexual orientation with their religious beliefs and Church. Some gay people even find themselves in Brokeback marriages, or are confused about their sexuality not knowing how to tell their partners they’re bi-sexual or feel they were born into the wrong gender. The conclusion I have drawn from all these people’s messages is that we are all different with our own unique challenges. However, they are never insurmountable and all can be overcome.

Being gay is not a disability, illness or a curse. We should not be stuck in the closet due to shame, fear or guilt – open that door and step into the light. Coming out is never easy and you can expect some turbulence on your flight to freedom - No journey worthwhile is without its challenges. The good news is that you will reach your destination a stronger person and happier we are not called “Gay” for nothing. So kick down that door! Be proud!

Till next time.