Recently coming across a YouTube video by a young man talking about homophobic gay guys not only had me intrigued but also quite troubled. In this video he spoke about how in the last 2 years (after coming out of the closet) he has come across more homophobic gay guys than straight guys. He further put forth his own analysis of this phenomenon. He just being 22, I must admit although he’s very cute and my natural gay instinct was to stare at his lovely topless body I did pay attention the video’s content. Although I disagree with a few points he made, the fundamental question raised is interesting. Are there really homophobic gay guys out there?
As we all know the gay community is very fickle over just about everything. I have found that it can be difficult to get GLBT people to get off their asses to do something for a cause if it does not include a parade, a party and/or alcohol. We also, at times, appear to have a slight attention span problem and also tend to disagree allot about a multitude of issues. In my opinion, this is normal as we are all individuals, with different priorities and different preferences.Being part of a community does not imply mindless conformity because if it did, we would be one hell of a boring bunch. Yet, with all our differences we still classify ourselves into categories in the gay community based on our age, appearance, preferences and attitudes. We get the twinks, bears, bear cups, leather daddies, butch, femme, tops, bottoms, straight acting, stephford fags, jocks, drag queens, transvestites, lipstick lesbians and I could go on. I belive categorizing ourselves in this manner is an attempt not only to acknowledge our differences but also to achieve a sense of community. We are after all as diverse as the colors of the rainbow flag that represents us.
So why in a community as varied as ours and with such a plethora of opportunity for inclusion do we still get the odd queer that would state he/she hates gays? Personally I have crossed paths with a few of them and in most cases the experience left me flabbergasted. I mean really… you are gay, in a gay club playing tonsil hockey and in all probability will later play hide the sausage with another man and afterwords will be basking in the satisfaction of off loading your primal desires, yet you don’t like gays? The same goes for carpet munchers who have their cake and eat it and with the tingling taste of sugar still on their tongue declare they hate lesbians. My first reaction would always be a sarcastic frown (when I still could in my pre-Botox phase) and with my head bopping and fingers clicking would say “Girlfriend you are confused!” Do they really hate gays, or is it self-loathing or disillusionment with the homosexual lifestyle?
It’s bad enough to deal with homophobic heterosexuals but when it comes to homophobic homos it’s like the kettle calling the pot black. Being the curious creature I am I could not let this go and engaged some of these controversial homophobic homos. What I found was that in the majority of the cases the statements was based only on aspects of homosexuality and not on its entirety. Some were merely irritated with their perceptions of and experiences with the gay lifestyle that included promiscuity, drug abuse, relationship issues, elitism, ageism, superficiality and ostracism. Some were personally hurt by the gay community either through repetitive failed relationships, the choice of bad friends and/or having fallen victim to discrimination due to their specific category in the gay community and not receiving the support they craved from the community itself. It was not that they hated gay people they hated what had happened to them and they were not likely to go burn the gay flag at some rodeo or sport event or protest at gay clubs and bars.
On the other spectrum there were those gay homophobes that truly meant what they said. Whether their strong aversion stems from self-loathing, denial, or like a friend pointed out, their own feelings of guilt that they are transferring to a whole community is not always crystal clear. I guess if you were raised in a community where homosexuality is frowned upon (to put it mildly) and fear and denial of who and what you really are combines, the outwardly expression of their own insecurity and personal conflict will materialize in homophobia. They are the ones most likely to join these weird and sinister Christian groups that convert homosexuals with prayer, Bible study and group meetings. It’s like AA for gays, however it led me wonder whether it is not only making things worse for them to fight a part of themselves which they can’t really fix? In this light shouldn’t their homophobia be seen as a cry for help?
It’s sad but true there really are homophobic homos out there. Some gay people make reckless and derogatory statements about our community in the heat of the moment but once cooled down their rainbows shine bright once again. Unfortunately we also have those brothers and sisters who are in the midst of a terrible storm and can, for the moment, not see past the dark clouds, pouring rain and lightning. We as a GLBT community should have patience with them and help them weather the storm so once the sun emerges they too will see their true colors shine bright and be proud.Till next time.
Homophobic Gay Guys
32 comments:
I have many, many gay, lesbian and bi friends, having lived in San Francisco most of my life and having been heavily involved with the arts there. I think San Francisco is a little different from many places in the U.S. because of the strong population of gays there--most of my friends that live there have gotten past whatever feelings of initial self-loathing and/or guilt that you talk about--but it has taken many of them a while to get there.
I was living in SF during the 1980's, though, when I saw the gay community rise up and become a strong presence in the fight against AIDS--and I have also seen many of them become highly involved in the Courage Campaign to legalize gay marriage. Again, though--this is likely due to the strong presence and acceptance of gays in this particular community--which I will agree wholeheartedly is very different from many places in the U.S.
Great article!
Melinda
Thanks Melinda! I strongly believe that the community in which you live play a pivotal role in assisting GLBT coming to terms with their sexual orientation. Like you mentioned San Francisco is a great example.
However, friends and family even more so. Even if the community you live in do not support or accept you friends and family can make a world of difference.
It's my wish that more cities & countries around the world would become more accepting, tolerant and openminded.
i know quite a few self proclaimed "gay hating" gay guys... pretty ridiculous if you ask me!
they all happen to be incredible snobs and i think it all boils down to wanting to make themselves feel better. it's really a shame because by alienating themselves like that, they're going to by leading pretty lonely lives.
@ nycmle, what you say is so true. The elitist attitude will bring them no where, but I guess they will have to learn that the hard way.
@ Sean, I don't encourage people further propagating certain gay slurs like Fag, Queer etc to be used in a derogatory fashion as I would like the GLBT community to reclaim such references to us in order to turn these words into a positive term. With regards to Mark Folley & co, they are the epitome of homophobic homos. I pity them, I wish we could help them see the light of day (rather the rainbow after the storm as I referred to in my blog).
Homophobia is human reaction and therefore being gay people are human, there certainly must be homophobic gay people. However, I have state we must remember the contextual definition of "homophobia". I tend to agree with those at religioustolerence.org (http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_phob.htm) Like the terminology "terrorism" there is no precise definition as of yet. Both words are fairly recent creations of humanity(though practiced for centuries.) They are going through the formation of a foundational definition because they mean different things to different people. Therefore to use the term makes it difficult to come to any conclusion as to the intention behind the "homophobia". Is it a fear? A hatred? A disdain? A disgust? Is it internal or external? Is it all these things?
I agree with you that what is being proposed here is not actually homophobia per se, but a particular disdain for some element(s) within the gay community that if one looks at honestly, is about humanity, not sexuality. All the examples you gave are things that are part of the human make up and really has little to nothing to do with sexuality. The only thing that makes a gay person different then a heterosexual is gender attraction. All the rest has to do with sociology and psychology that is part of the human equation, not an exclusive gay property. I must still maintain that gay homophobia is an outward expression of an internal struggle that has little to do with the gay community and more to do with the difficulty of self awareness. For there is nothing found in the gay community that cannot be found in the heterosexual community somewhere. This is what makes homophobia itself an absurd notion for a gay person just as much as for a straight person.
I am rather new to the LGBT community, having just come to terms with my sexuality less than a year ago. There is very little in terms of places where LGBT people can socialize here. The majority of these places include alcohol, and I have met many LGBT people who overindulge.
I do not like that particular aspect of the LGBT community here. But that has nothing to do with whether or not I like other LGBT people.
OTOH, at one such party last week I met an LGBT man who was wandering around in a suit calling other party guests "fags" and telling me I was the only person at the party who had any sense because I wasn't getting involved in drama. My friends and I found this person rather laughable. He kept interrupting my conversations with other people to announce how sweet I am and that they'd better not make any advances towards me, even though I had never spoken to him. He also appeared to be just as drunk as some of the people he kept castigating.
The point of this story (besides how silly he looked to those of us who WEREN'T drunk) is that some people think they can't disapprove of some elements of the LGBT culture around them without disapproving of LGBT people in general. These people feel a need to prove that they are better than the people they disapprove of. They therefore wear suits, call other LGBT people fags, and act supercilious.
I enjoyed meeting some drunks more than I did this person.
Stephanie
@ The Mari Rev, as usual you put forth a great perspective and I acknowledge the need to contextualize this phenomena. An interesting point you raised is about defining homophobia, I thought there was already an agreed definition. This really made me think.
@ Stephanie, firstly welcome to the GLBT community and am very pleased that you have come to terms with your sexuality. In the GLBT community we have all sorts of people, and I am glad that you didn't generalize this one unfortunate incident to the rest of the community. Like the The Mari Rev pointed out, there are aspects of the gay community we may not like or even approve off, but in my experience there are more positive aspects than negative ones if you approach it with the right attitude.
What to say. It's a men's world out here. :-)
Your posts are always really gripping, and make me curious. I keep comming back to check to see if you have posted again because I enjoy reading your work. How long does it take you to produce a post?
@ Dorothy Rimson, only if you allow it to be.
@ Soph, thanks I am really pleased that you enjoy my blog and are one of my regular readers.
On your question, it will depend on the topic I write about. I try to publish at least 1 post a week and if I have time maybe 2.
On average it takes anything from 1-3 hours from starting to write a post to when it's actually published (I also have to search for pictures and videos to add that take some time).
Some posts take longer, like this one I started just over a week ago but while I was writing it I realized I had to do a bit of research, which I then did. I didn’t just want to write something without having a slightly better informed opinion on the matter.
Hey Pierre! I always enjoy your blog updates and I really enjoyed this blog post....My sister-in-law is a homophobic hetero....which makes me think that my brother who married her is one too himself...just he cant come to his senses and tell me~! Oh well...I am happy with being gay and wouldnt want it any other way!
Thanks Dennis, you told me about your sister-in-law before and there is no cure for what she has. My suggestion is to take her to a surprise Pride Parade! Let her vent her anger amongst thousands of gay people! That will assure she gets it out of her system and f not we can always send her to Homophobes Unanimous!
Is homophobia the correct word? While I’m not aware of anyone who has a “genuine irrational fear of homosexuals” this word is used to describe those who just have a “genuine irrational hatred” of homosexuals. In the same sense of Arachnophobia – a fear of spider, people who just hate spiders (if there are any) are not usually called Arachnophobic. Likewise racists are not generally accepted as Xenophobic.
But within the gay community I’ve seen this sort of thing before, especially between cliques and types. For example it’s quite common for straight-acting (I hate that expression) people to present resentment or animosity towards camp blokes and a contempt for the drama implied – while ironically being mellow dramatic about “the drama”. Which I never really understood, extravert people congregate and likewise do the introvert.
I do think it’s sad after all our bigots don’t see any distinction gay is gay. I think sometimes we just forget we’re only human, on an individual level some of my friends have people they used to be friends with but for one reason or another no longer are. And are quite bitter about the type their “Ex-Friend” is in general as well as the individual they fell out with.
David you make a good point but let's not get stuck on the "phobia" side of homophobia. I still believe this has much to do with personal preferences, fear, ignorance and intolerance.
Being human, like you rightly pointed out, does imply that we all have flaws (nobody's perfect except Martha Stewart - but then again she went to jail for lying about a stock sale). My point is we all can be caught out for bigotry, pettiness and bias at least once in our lives. We are not perfect creatures but if we apply more empathy and compassion towards each other the world would be a better place.
Well, I'm not gay but does really need to be said? I am a human being, and like most human beings, I have caste about the waves of ignorance among people and have survived to become stronger. Is self-loathing within mankind part of our DNA? Truly, if we do not support one another, and accept each other for our differences as well as our similarities, then a good part of the life-experience is lost, and sorrow is the natural product. For those in denial about their sexuality, I would hope that, as you said, the GLBT community will have patience with those who are struggling. There is too little chance they will find that support outside the community. And who wants to be part of the 'mainstream' anyway?
NOT FOR PUBLICATION
This is a response to your Blog Catalog forum thread on the subject of your blog moving away from humor to become more of an advocacy blog. What's written below is under my copyright and will soon be published.
"Branding, intentional or by default, starts during the design and strategy stage of creating a blog, because that’s when the blogger chooses the niche and lays the foundation for what kind of a site they intend to create.
Thereafter, branding begins to shift as a reader community develops and evolves it grows. Ultimately, the blogger and the reader community become co-creators of an ever evolving brand.
The better blogger is vigilant when it comes to discerning changes in direction(s) occurring in the discussion on their posts as presented in the comments.
The better blogger is also vigilant when it comes to noting the search terms readers are typing into search engines that result in them visiting his or her blog.
The better blogger is continually aware of the what the trending topics are in his or her blog as reflected by noting which posts are the most popular posts on his or her blog. He or she is likewise aware which posts do not receive many comments and show no evidence of growth in popularity.
A blog's brand is never set in stone unless the blogger is rigid and inflexible. The result of rigidity and inflexibility is a declining readership, rather than one that's growing. Consequently, the better blogger accommodates for changes in direction, increases and decreases in emphasis, and becomes more successful by observing and celebrating the fact that the blogger and readers are co-creators of an ever evolving brand."
I hope this helps you. Best wishes for better blogging. ;)
Askcherlock, thanks for your comment. I agree self-loathing within mankind may be source of all our problems.
I think all of us should take a long hard look at our lives and determine whether we are truly content with it as it is now. If not make a decisive effort to change it better.
After all, change starts wit us first. If you are not happy, feel good about yourself how can you expect to make a difference in the life of another person?
@ timethief, you have once again exceeded my wildest expectation at answering a question I posed on Blog Catalog. Thank you!
@Pierre
LOL :D You didn't delete my comment - you cheeky brat! ;)
I'm creating a new post based on my outline above right now on this subject, which will be published on my blogging tips blog at http://onecoolsite.wordpress.com
Setting aside your cheeky disregard for my "NOT FOR PUBLICATION," and because you inspired the post, and because you also praised me for making a meaningful, albiet off-topic comment here, your blog shall receive a backlink when it's published.
All my best,
TiTi
This Barry guy seems really pissed off. He needs to get over his issues. The only thing I have to say to him is dude get some therapy. You need it! Pierre once again I am sorry that freaks like this targets you, but it shows that you are doing something right. Keep up the good work with your blog.
Sam, thanks I will. A few nasty comments & hate mails have now become part & parcel of my blogging experience. I am taking it in my stride, but when it comes from another homosexual person it does get to me.
However, I do recognize that this Barry guy may have suffered under apartheid in South Africa and that might be where his anger emanates: To scars of apartheid still runs deep, even 15 years later.
If you want to see the original comments go to the website that published my post: http://www.mambaonline.com/article.asp?artid=3878
Hmm...interesting. Homophobic gays. I guess it really isn't surprising. I mean, with a community as diverse as ours, it is to be expected.
However, I also find it to be disturbing and enlightening at the same time. There is nothing wrong with a little dose of healthy criticism but when that criticism is spawned from hatred, I believe that it will cause a great deal of harm.
Great post!
Thanks Rene Monroe. I agree that a dose of healthy criticism is good, but when it's done with malicious intent then it's a whole different story. On the point of diversity, I believe it's a good thing, it spices things up and keeps us interesting.
"I must admit although he’s very cute and my natural gay instinct was to stare at his lovely topless body I did pay attention the video’s content"
Interesting statement coming from a married gay man that is trying to set an example. Quite disappointing if you ask me.
@ Anonymous, I am married not blind! Unless that should be a side affect of marriage ;-)
Try this at home, nice to read !
unique content
This truly was an interesting article. Well written and informative. Well done!!
I like the way you separate the individual from the culture. You can hate the way the culture behaves, and how it poorly reflects on the rest of the culture, but that is different from hating who you are.
Self-loathing is a whole other level.
@ The Guy's Perspective, thanks.
I'm currently dealing with one such person on another website that published one of my articles (as mentioned in one of my replies to this post).
They truly are complex individuals, some also can't see how irrational their behavior is. All we can do is hope such individuals comes around, accept who they are and find peace.
That's insane! I don't think I've ever met a gay who was homophobic. In fact, the idea of it seems so illogical and doesn't make sense! One of my very best friends happen to be gay (and actually I have a large # of gay friends) so I'm curious now to ask him if he's had this experience.
Heather Leigh, you'd be surprised at how prevalent homophobia is in the gay community. In the comments above many explanations are put forward but whether they are right or wrong the existence of this phenomena cannot be refuted.
Hi Pierre
I respect other people’s right to lead their lives in any way they please, and I’ll fight tooth and nail for their right to do so but I backed out of the "gay community" years ago to take a break from the continuous drama - and my life is a lot easier now. I have a group of like-minded friends (straight and gay) who respect me as a person and we enjoy each others’ company. We are not obsessed with my jockey contents or what I do with them; nor does it define my personality or friendships.
The bottom line is that being gay means I am attracted to men; all the rest of that glitter and tinsel irritates me. Yes, you’re here, you’re queer, we get it. We have freedom to marry and live our lives, so why must I identify exclusively with people for the sake of what they do in their bedrooms?
There is so much more to life and who you are than what you do with your genitals. Sexual orientation should not exclusively define a person, but it seems gay people become entirely consumed by it and I think that’s quite dull.
W
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